crushed by the calling

If you’ve ever watched or read The Crushing by TD Jakes then you’re probably aware of where I am going today.

Something that I had honestly never considered was that the crushing that takes place when God is measuring you, molding you, and forming you, not only affects you the person, but you in the family as well.

I am a firm believer that ever believer that has a calling has a specific bootcamp that they must go through. This is specific and unique to YOU so that the Lord can reshape the very intricate parts of your being that need the added attention.

I’ve met and I’ve led several people, and not one of them have ever had the same story as me. Just like you–you are the sum of decisions that you have made and decisions passed from your bloodline. The things I’ve had to face in my lifetime have added their own canny pressures, pushing parts of my soul in and out of boxes of compliance.

Lately, the pressure has been almost unbearable. I feel like I am personally losing my mind. My footing doesn’t feel clear, and my heart feels muddled like I am living out of compliance of the Spirit. Wildly fascinating is that it honestly doesn’t take much to trigger these feelings these days. While I am painfully aware of how feelings are manipulators, I can’t squash them by myself. It is a bombardment that comes like a flood over my mind, pushing me to limits that echo the rumors of failure that I have been fighting for too long.

Something wants me to give up, but I’m not sure if it’s me, or if it’s an outside force. I’m tired of being stuck in this cycle. I can preach at others for days, helping them see where the enemy has drawn out battle plans, but for me? I wonder if I’m a fraud on the daily basis.

I don’t want to be a professional Pentecostal, or Christian. I often wonder what we’re doing it all for. How many of you are like me, and the crushing seems to be pulling you further from the pulpit and into places of obscurity?

This is not an idea fueled by false humility, but a disgust that the epitome of ministry seems to be attached by who is entrusted with a mic and who looks and feels the part.

There is a local ministry here that I absolutely adore. They are unconventional, and minister to the homeless and those who are on the byways and highways. They hold service in a park, do van runs to and from the park, deliver people in the park, and so much more. The leaders from other ministries around them have all tried to change them…get a room to rent and hold service…look more professional…be careful who you associate with… it’s the ugly side of church politics that I can’t stand.

These unconventional people were out there feeding the homeless on a record breaking winter weather day, and the religious elite were stuffed in their homes complaining about the wind. All I can say is I know who I want to model myself after.

Is that the crux that God is trying to get us all to? The feelings of failure are really tied to a feeling or purposelessness? If I preach the most glorious sermons of all time, and not one person is changed, what was it for? Entertainment?

If I am to be a consecrated vessel that is set apart for the work of God, but that work is tying up streamers for parties and making people happy because we have lost sight of the deeper things of God–then why do we try?

There is more.

I hope I am crushed to pulp so that God can move me into the real things of HIM. I don’t want a casual relationship with the Almighty. I want to be His friend. I want Him to be able to trust my Spirit, because the flesh part of me is under control.

Crush me, Holy Ghost, so that I can be made into Your image.

2 Tim 2:22

Romans 12:9-10

Psalm 34:18

Jeremiah 18:1-6